Patent Pumps Field Guide to Strange Household Visitors

And by strange household visitors, I don’t mean those house guests who stay as they pass through town, nor am I referring to estranged relatives who overstay their welcome and eat all your food.  I am referencing those unidentifiable creatures that crawl in corners, hang from the ceiling, and buzz around the rim of your cocktail in the evening.  What, you don’t have cocktails in the evening?  Well, you might consider mixing yourself a stiff drink after the bugs you came across in my new house. 

There could be a handful of reasons why the weirdest bugs in the state of North Carolina inhabit my house.  One, my charming little duplex was previously inhabited by the oldest woman in the city of Burlington.  Just kidding- but really, the property hadn’t been cleaned or really lived in in a long time, and then I came along.  Being an older home, it’s got its character and charms, and lots of quirks; and I think some of those quirks are bugs.  Primarily though, I think my infestation problem is due to the beautiful oak tree that stands in the middle of my porch expansive. 

What I’d really like to know is what type of bugs they are, not even really how to get rid of them because honestly, there are not too many (and I need the company).  They are just the strangest looking creatures I have ever seen.  And when one makes an appearance- be it the bright red, fuzzy spider, or the clear amoeba-like centipede with brown hairs- it’s like a stand-off in the middle of the kitchen floor, to see who is going to move first. 

The following are techniques I’ve found particularly useful (because my boyfriend does not live with me and is not here) to kill bugs:

• Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and stomp on the little (or sometimes big) guy
• Go to work and hope he’s gone by the time you’ve returned
• The humane method, collect him in a cardboard moving box and escort him outside with his other friends
• And finally, look up to the ceiling and think, why on earth have I not gotten a dog yet? Don’t they eat things like this?

All four are effective methods, although the latter makes me homesick for my parent’s dogs, and then I start thinking about home, and my dad’s great cooking, and I am immediately sidetracked at the question: what shall I make for dinner?

More on cooking for one later. An by later, probably when I get back from Fall Travel season!